


When You Let Go

by ChasingTheQuill



Category: Moonlight (2016)
Genre: Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Queer Character of Color, Falling In Love, Growing Pains, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Other, Teen Angst, teenage sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-20 05:42:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10656084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChasingTheQuill/pseuds/ChasingTheQuill
Summary: Some days, Kevin felt like a riddle he was desperately trying to solve...





	When You Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> **...A haphazard snapshot of Kevin's inner ramblings.**
> 
> Setting: chapter (ii) of the film. 
> 
> Mood:  
>  _“What a Little Moonlight Can Do”_ , song by Billie Holiday (1935)  
>  _"Beneath your Beautiful"_ , song by Labrinth & Emeli Sandé (2012)  
>  _“You Go To My Head”_ , song by Billie Holiday (1938)

 

_Some days, Kevin felt like a riddle he was desperately trying to solve._

_Other days, he kept his cards pressed close to his chest... he worked out ways to wear a swagger with his nonchalance when the moment required it (even if in reality, he was brimming with waves of tension)...  he learned to express his long drawn-out thoughts as though they were nothing but impromptu, detached bursts._

_Some days, Kevin felt a rift widening deep inside himself - a feeling like slipping on loose sand.  Caught somewhere between rigid expectations (from teachers, kids in the neighborhood, his mother, himself) and the emotions that swelled and scraped inside him._   _There were things about himself that nobody knew, and he wanted to keep them that way..._

_Nobody knew, for instance, that when he was home alone some days, his mama off on some errand or other, he would put on one of her Billie Holiday records, lie flat on the floor and allow himself to drift off into the honeyed cracks of her willowy voice._

_Nobody knew just how much his dreams lingered whenever he woke from sleep._

_Nobody knew of the intense crushes that sprang from his chest one minute and shriveled up to nothingness the next (all except for one)._

_Nobody knew that, one night barely a month ago, he’d gotten drunk at a wild house party and ended up flirting and then skinny-dipping in the ocean with some thirty-year-old dude he’d met less than two hours before._

_Nobody knew that he constantly wrote things down... his inner ramblings, scribbled on_ _random pieces of paper, on the palm of his hand, at the back of his notebooks, sometimes on rolling paper... notes he almost always destroyed soon after he was done writing them._

_Kevin wrote about things he could not voice to another living soul… things that bubbled up in his head when he lit up a blunt and felt his body rise with the curling smoke… things that were so true, they hurt..._

*

he doesnt know it but Im watching and writing this portrait.  sitting off to the corner by himself.  his head down, his head always down.  and I notice his neck once again. tense, lean and long.  too big tshirt pulled off to one side of his neck.  a muscle moves in his arm.  sitting with his narrow thighs open.  his knee pops out from the rip in his jeans.  book in his lap, so he licks a finger and turns a page.  he trying to hide in the corner, trying to be nuthin but background noise.  but fuck, black.  impossible for you to be hidden anywhere, no matter what you doing.

know what it’s like to feel like your life is a mistake? – sat together last week and he drags that out and asks me outta nowhere. okay so, wasnt prepared with an answer when he said that.  he just sat there and looked into my eyes.  he never really just looks right at me, but goddamn.  felt this strong urge to seize his mouth. wanted to kiss his lips so bad.

naw, black. for fucksake, chill bruh – said it with a smile.  like his words didnt bang up the inside of my chest.  dragged my hand up and down the skin on the back of his neck and laughed like he was talking nuthin but shit.  he smiled a little then too and I just couldnt stop looking at him, thinking – you have no clue, Chiron

like shit, you cant even see how beautiful you are 

*

 

Was nearly out the main doors when I heard them throw 'fuckin fag' at you harsh as a whip.  i said nuthin but took the words like they were meant for me.  you kept on walking.  this place feels like a dark tunnel trap sometimes and the bullshit never ends.  you kept on walking.  but a burn is a fuckin burn and survival is no escape. 

*

 

me and teena in that shed behind her house.  her legs tight around my waist. my fingers sliding deep inside her.  she feeling it, telling me dont stop. she calling my name.  but I start to hear it in his voice.  like I start to imagine standing like that between his legs.  tasting his skin under my tongue.  imagining his hands wanting me. his teeth falling on my shoulder.  still sliding into her that way.  couldnt stop feeling his high in my skin tho.  finished in my pants like some 12 year old. she rocking and telling me dont stop.  cant stop.  cant stop seeing his face behind my eyes.

no way to get this outta my head now.  even if I wanted to.

*

 

constantly wondering whats going on in that head of yours  
when we hanging, you just let me talk and talk, while you nod and nod  
Im like, so what you think.  you look at me like I asked you to give half your life  
just want you to tell me what that look on your face means.  tell me a little anything  
but you holding onto everything so fuckin tight and I wish I could say that I dont understand why you doing it but cant blame you black, coz I get it  
I feel it too   
I know

*

 

sometimes i get in a mood and only billie holiday will do.  mama walks in and says - did you know billie died alone with like a buck in the bank.  I tell her I know.  billie who sings like she walking into shooting stars and galaxies and cant nobody ever stop her.  same billie expired sick and alone like some nameless face who had nuthin and gave nuthin.  too real, too broken, too good to be good enough, so fuck that.  
no matter now tho coz if there is a heaven, she higher than it and all the stars on milky ways eons from this place. 

anyway. finally. tonight's excitement -  
'prison break' on right now.  
crushing so hard on that lead dude with the blazin eyes and the killer tats. he is fire.  
doesnt say much, but when he does, feels fuckin intense like he speaking right into your skin.  
you do that too.  
watching him. and my mind wandering on you.

*

 

died in my dream last night.  thought at that moment when it happened – shit, this is how I go.  trapped in the nightmare feeling life slide away like Im falling asleep.  and then seeing myself lying there totally still like dreaming in a vacuum.  
when you dream of falling, you expect to wake up before your face hits the base of the cliff.  you expect your subconscious to want to spare your ass.  but fuck if my brain gives a shit about all that.   
figured this dream was a sure way to know my mind is just plain sick/tired and giving me the fuckin finger

*

 

nuthin looks the same in the light  
not souls/faces/promises  
or courage

*

 

told her from the go it was a oneoff. told her the truth. now she calling and asking why Im drawing a blank.  why?  
cant start a fire underwater.

*

 

yeah, I fuckin cry, Black.  one thing about me you dont know for sure.  just like things about you I can only guess.

your skin looking smooth like it’s melting in the moonlight. didnt guess that. and black, I need to crack you up more often coz I can look at your smile for days.  we feeling high, joking and laughing and I see your eyes and shit I know Im sliding downhill and cant nobody stop me now coz you looking at me like you know everything and I dont give a fuck if some stranger wanders down here now and sees my tongue licking on your lips.  that first kiss is not like I imagined.  I mean it is and it isnt.  like our lips touch like that and I feel my heart pounding nonstop and I feel like I could do anything for you, black.  your voice on my neck. you so hard in my hand and I feel like my blood rising higher than the fuckin sky tonight.  didnt guess that.  one hand rubbing on your skin.  another hand wet with your slick.  definitely didnt guess that.

didnt want to leave you tonight, black.  
felt like I was giving you up.  
not sure how to just pick up where we left off after this coz Im terrified this thing will be written all over our faces and then we screwed coz what the fuck do we do with this fire on our hands.  
gotta keep it tight when I see you in the morning.  
wont act like you shifted some planets or some shit.

*

 

my brain wont quit.  wont let go long enough for me to fall asleep.

you are just so beautiful when you let go

*

 

why you.  why does this thing for you keep growing in my chest.  
thinking and cant find all the words.  more than a handful of ways you are beautiful.  maybe coz -  
you got a spine of steel, black.  like no matter what these fools do to you, you back on the very same street the next day.  no matter what your mama do, you standing up when they call her name in the street.  you ended up in a rough spot but no matter how rough, you just roll with it like nuthin can keep you down.

when my hope drains down to zero, I top up just by looking at you black.  
you the only one who could ever get this close coz you the only one who ever even asks a real fuckin question and waits for an actual answer. 

you the only one I ever been real with who just gets it without judging this way I stay fucked up and divided inside.   
you the only one.

*

 

( different kind of falling in my dream last night  
left billie in the stars and fell into you  
no blood  
just this thirst that hurts from not knowing how to swallow )

keeping it chill.  
until first sight of you today and I turn transparent and my nerves spring legs and sprint like nuthin to fuckin see here.  my head dizzy in the clouds and this fear clawing up my chest.  
still Im smiling casual at you like wassup bruh when what Im thinking is where can we go today to get that taste of last night again coz this place just aint it. you smile back into my eyes like you aint need to hear all that coz one look and I figure you can see I got maybe one hour of sleep last night.

feelin totally busted wide open today.  
you feelin this too black?

*

 

fuck  
these tears  
and the shit excuses  
and these scraps I scribble on to scratch my soul  
fuck  
that boy who lives solely to remind us we aint ever worth shit  
and me for letting him use me to start a fire  
and me for letting him use me to crash into you  
and me for letting him mold fear into fury  
and me for letting him carve my weakness   
and me for letting him

took a chance today  
wore my heart outside my skin like an idiot  
wore my secret  
wore my unspoken desire like a badge  
without even knowing it.  
walked a fine line against the herd  
walked right into a fuckin battlefield

he said - bring your fist, imma find someone

and i knew in my bones I was fucked coz  
the mood flipped on a dime  
and i just knew he saw you plain as day on my face

walked into my own nightmare  
stepped outside of myself  
into the blunt force that broke into your skin.  
convinced them of my worth  
and ripped the heart dangling loose on my sleeve.  
you stood in the crossfire  
your head up  
your eyes burning like you were invincible

fuck  
this heartbreak  
this taste of betrayal  
this ending  
this shifting invisible line we must toe from sun to dark

thinking of how to go back into that same fuckin storm  
to face you tomorrow  
coz I know you will be there  
like you are everyday, no matter what anybody do  
or dont do.  
you will be there

will write this, read this back to myself  
burn these words when I finish  
and lie here wide awake like I didnt plough into you  
with the same blind force I use  
to crave you  
to love you in secret  
everyday

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kevin, as we see him on the beach with Chiron on that fateful night... speaks of a calming breeze wafting through the neighborhood ("hell, shit make you wanna cry, it feel so good"), of people "rolling into the water" to drown their desperation, of tears ("you cry? ... what you cry about?")...  
> That glimpse of a musing Kevin pushed me down the rabbit hole of this piece.  
> Thank you all for reading these moonlit shots.


End file.
